oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
