you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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