My friends, they love my intelligence
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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