i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
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