so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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