She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
