Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
