It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
