Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
worst night to have a conscience
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
