I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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