3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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