new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
40s are totally the cure
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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