she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
