Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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