I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
