I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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