Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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