Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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