he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
