we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
