Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
