He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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