I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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