So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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