Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
