last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.