Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
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she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
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I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.