You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
