Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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