i already hear my dad disowning me
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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