Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
