You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
