So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
