When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
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