I faked an abortion last night.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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