Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I'm passing your future prison.
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I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
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i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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