Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
