i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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