i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
