i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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