Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
