I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
