I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
