capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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