Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
