You're completely useless in the revolution.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The air was thick with penises
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
