Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
