i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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