My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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