I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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