At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
