I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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