I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
