im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
