I'm so fucking centered right now
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Randomize
