my phone needs a breathalizer
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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