I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
