this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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