in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
