I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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