Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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