Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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