running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
