My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
it's like iHOP with fire
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
