If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Randomize
